8.4.15

I know it’s been forever since I wrote. I have been doing an art journal and regular Journaling and by the time I’ve done those two I have been worn out writing wise.

But today I felt like venting about one of the most common problems in my life. My families attitude toward me.

Every time I’m home, if they acknowledge my existence it’s just command, criticism or lecture. I can honestly say that 85% of what they say to me is negative, 5% positive, 10% neutral. It makes me have 0 interest in talking to them or being near them. I dread going home unless I know the house is empty and usually on weekends I make sure I’m out at much as possible. The judgment is endless and they always find reasons to think less of me. Its a talent really.

Don’t get me wrong there are a lot of awesome things about my family. They provide me with amazing opportunities and they are very financially supportive. It’s just being nice in day to day, ie everyday conversation, not so much. It would be nice if they could just accept that I’m different and move on. It’s been what 23 years and they still can’t learn to just live with it, I mean honestly. Talk about unadaptive.

10.3.15 : So Busy

So much is going on in my life it is hard to find the time and energy to come and write on my blog which is unfortunate because I love blogging. A quick recap on whats going on then a short rant about my feelings..

1. I am making a scrapbook for a friends 2nd anniversary – big project and it takes a lot of time so I try to do a bit of work everyday

2. Got a job then quit it and got another job – the first job was working for a satellite company and they only paid commission no base pay. Worked three days without pay, got offered another job at a fancy liquor store in town so I switched over. Start my first job training day tomorrow morning.

3. Social juggling – I have a bunch of friends and it is hard to organize and find time to see them regularly but I try. The primary people I usually hang out with are Micki, Kiki, Jade, Mandy, Maemae. Then a bunch of others here and there.

4. Hobby juggling – I do writing, photography, drawing, painting and now video projects, lately my focuses have been photography and video.

5. Research/Personal Growth – I am doing tons and tons and tons of research and personal introspection about spirituality and learning how to be the best healer I possibly can. Anytime I have the energy I am reading or watching youtube videos or anything that teaches me.

6. My.. sort of relationship with Dem.

This is where the rant comes in. Man this boy can be tricky. I like him but I have no interest in doing anything but taking it slow. He is very defensive and has a way of being controlling. I know it will take time to earn his trust and on and on (see previous posts about my time with dem) but sometimes I feel a little warn down.

He has texted me all day everyday since the day he got my phone number and he calls me often, every couple of days and sometimes more then once a day. This is true even though he works two jobs. He can be incredibly sweet and even when we are together and he does his “I’m a man” I’ll be pushy to try to get a response out of you thing at the end of the day he is the one who initiates everything even the cutesy loving stuff. He cuddles up to me, even when I move away from him he starts the affection again. He holds me close to him and kisses my cheeks, eyes and forehead. He is the one who watches me and stares at me for no reason and when I leave sometimes I will catch him seeming sad. As much as he likes to talk the big talk his behavior shows time and time again that he is interested in me.

So heres the pickle. One of his ways of doing his weird defensive controlling thing is he will be vague about whether or not we are going to hang out. He likes to tease me and thats fine but sometimes the games get a little old. I am an incredibly straight forward person so I am not use to tolerating this little dance. But I do like him and I know that he feels something for me. Its just his way of testing me and making sure I am not toying with him I’m sure. But sometimes I wish he would just give me a simple yes or no.

Thing is I’m sure he wishes I was more forward and that I gave more clues to how I feel about him. He is a lot more forward and open to me physically on every level then I am and I am more open to him about talking about my life then he is.

Its such a push and pull and today I just miss when he is sweet and today I miss him, of course I can’t tell him that though. I like him, it feels different with him then it has with the past guys I have considered being in a relationship with. But I am not a toy and if I find out he is toying with me I’ll walk. If being involved with a drug dealer teaches you one thing its that staying with someone who uses you is never worth it.

He makes it seem like he is worth it. Even with his defensive games. I just hope I am seeing the truth.

4.3.2014 : Yesterday

I am happy.

Each day I spend working on embracing and learning about my spirituality and each day I am filled with joy and a sense of fulfillment as well as excitement about all that is to come.

I got a job with a satellite company and I had my first in store job training yesterday and it went well. I learned a lot and I had a great time.

I am working on my health and I am hoping that I will be able to get into the nursing program in the future.

I have an awesome best friend that while we don’t always understand each other too well we love each other very much and he is good to me.

Also I still have Dem in my life. He has continued to talk to me everyday since he has got my phone number and these last couple of days he has called me once a day and one time even twice. I didn’t get to see him last week and I was bummed about that but he apologized to me and he has been making time for me even though he has been moving in addition to his two jobs. I told Ralph about him and he said that I need to always remember that men are players and that to be careful. I think he is right. Dem is very reserved and obviously afraid of letting people in and I understand that and I am more then happy to take it slow but I am reserved too.

I went and saw him last night and he was feisty with me. He really likes to be in control and he “messes” with people as he puts it which is just his way of controlling the situation and get desired reactions out of people. He gets pretty testy. He likes to tease me  A LOT and while some of it is fun and cute sometimes he takes it too far and it starts to hurt my feelings a little. He pushes and pulls so much that it can be a little difficult sometimes. I just have to take it slow and see how it goes.

I had a nice time with him in a bunch of ways last night but I also felt like he wasn’t as sweet to me that night. He was even more worked up then last time we hung out and so the sex was way more intense. We hadn’t planned on hanging out that night but due to how busy he is this week he wasn’t sure if he would be able to see me the other days so we ended up hanging out while he was finishing the cleaning. We had the empty apartment to ourselves and we walked into the living room and he grabbed me and started kissing me. We went at it for a while and it was quite a whirlwind. Then we rested for a little before getting up and dressed and going upstairs to clean. I sat and talked with him as he cleaned and we can be awkward sometimes because he tries to control the situation by doing very little self disclosure but then trying to have me tell him a lot. I call him out on it and we bicker about it and its this little battle that we do but we manage to go through the bumpy part and come out the other side and get better again. This night was like that just like last time we  were together. It tires me out sometimes and so I gave up a little and just started going at the pace he wanted. After I gave in he was a little sweeter but I was a little annoyed.

We talked and then went downstairs and ended up going at it again. This time his kisses were much more gentle. He went down on me and my god. The way he ate me out was torture. Not only was it good but he did it for so long. He really enjoys going down on a girl and so he wanted to and man did he spoil me. I have certainly never experienced that before and it was really hot. The sex was just as intense after that and man did I feel so comfy. He didn’t cuddle with me the way he use to but I could tell that he had a lot on his mind and he was really over worked plus had to keep himself awake for the work after. He wouldn’t let himself relax too much which is understandable. After our round two we laid down for a little and then got up again and as he cleaned the fridge and the floor he asked me philosophical questions about destiny, fate, and purpose. We had a fun talk and then right when we could of left on a good note he did his push thing one more time and said something slightly teasing but also kinda rude. I know he was joking but I will be happy when he is less afraid and doesn’t push me away as often.

I like getting to know him and when he is sweet to me I love being with him. When he gives me attitude I still have fun a lot of the time but sometimes it makes me tired. I will get a little upset and that is unfortunate. I know that I just have to be patient but I look forward to the next time he is sweet to me. I hope it is soon because the way he pushes me away makes me sad sometimes.

The common struggle.

When it comes to my mother I struggle with getting along well beyond just the basic quick interaction. She is a totally different person then she was when I was growing up and I know that but at the same time her and I barely have anything in common and we see the world differently on a large and fundamental level. It makes me defensive towards her because it always feels like she is trying to make me see things her way and be like her, neither of which are going to happen.  We struggle with agreeing upon anything.

If we are discussing how to interact or deal with people in any capacity forget it. We don’t agree.
If we are discussing beliefs, nope.
Lifestyle, paths in life, natural pace to go, nope.
I like some of her music, she likes almost none of mine.
I like some of her types of movies, she likes none of mine.
She is a chemical engineer who thinks about things with little to no emotion or notice of the emotions of others.
I am a psychologist and artist whose emotions and belief systems are the driving force in my life to which I am most sensitive.
She thinks that no ones beliefs matter.
And so the differences go on.

I love my mother and she loves me but man do we not agree on easily 85-90% of life.

I am working on my health. It isn’t great but it is way better then it use to be. My mom has no idea just how bad it was. I hid it from her because she wouldn’t understand and I felt no need to be judged. Just as she judges me now. I know that it is her way of being concerned for me and she does it because she cares and on and on but man the lectures get so incredibly old and the criticism even more so. If I don’t do things exactly her way exactly then she wants it done then I am a disappointment and doing it wrong. Its hard not to have a I really don’t want to talk to you attitude with her and I feel bad about it so I try to control it but I just wish she was more positive towards me.

I told her over and over I am fine with doing a diet but I want it to be the mediterranean diet. She wants to do the macrobiotic diet so she keeps ignoring me and trying to push me towards the one she wants to do. That diet is almost vegan, I have no interest in that and nothing she says will change that. And so here we go round and round, her ignoring what I want or trying to criticize me for wanting something different. Just now she said, you only want to do the mediterranean diet because your friend is doing it. I said no, I want to do it because I have no interest in being vegan, because it is healthy and it will work for me with its emphasis on vegetables and whole grains but it still allows me to eat things I like too like poultry and dairy.

She paused and then gave in. I just get that irritable defensive feeling towards her really easily and I know a lot of that is my fault and not hers. I need to work on it. I just get so tired of feeling ashamed of being myself.

27.2.15: This last week

I saw Dem last thursday. That day I spent running around with Maemae. We went downtown and I got a new deck of tarot cards to learn on and we had indian food together that Maemae paid for. It was really nice of her to treat us to food like that. We had a great time as we always do and we went back to her house where she studied for school and I read about wicca. Dem and I had been texting like usual but I could tell he was acting different. Since I was in town I asked him if he wanted to hang out and he was really flaky about it. I had to push him so much for an answer it was ridiculous. I got to the point where I was a little annoyed because I just wanted to know whether or not I should wait in town for him or not and he was being so difficult. I could tell just by the way he was texting that he was going to behave weirdly when I saw him but I wanted to spend time with him so I went anyways.

When I got to his place he hopped into my car and we went out to the waterfront. He spent the drive over ranting about his internet being down and his annoyance with his roommate and brother. I accidentally cut someone off while I was driving and it was a dumb mistake to make but it happened and it was whatever. He however thought it was hilarious and he would not stop teasing me all night about it. He was being particularly sassy almost all night.

We get to the waterfront and he started giving me a hard time and bombarding me with questions, his excuse being that I do the same to him. Admittedly I do ask him a number of questions but in my defense we text all day and I am trying to keep the conversation interesting. He decides that he wants to talk about death for reasons I didn’t understand but he wouldn’t stop pushing about it so we did. He said that we should talk about it since it will be a part of my future occupation and its something that I need to think about going into a health care profession. We talked for a while about the subject then went on to talk about life perspective in general. The whole time he was giving me a bit of attitude.

When we first got to the waterfront I was looking for a specific spot that I use to go to with my friend Zues and I was a little bummed when I couldn’t find it but we ended up sitting on a piece of driftwood and looking up at the clouds and stars. I sat down first and he sat pressed against me. Then I got uncomfortable and so I moved to the ground to be able to lean against the driftwood and even when we moved he made sure to sit as close as possible. Talk about mixed messages when he is spending the whole time giving me so much sass. At one point I tried to lean again his shoulder and he was like, what are you doing? I said that I was resting and he was like oh and this is coming from the person who has to drive me home. At that point I got fed up with his rudeness and was just like wow and I moved away from him and went to sit and lean against the other side of the driftwood. We sat in silence for a while and he made another comment teasing me obviously trying to lighten the mood but at this point I was starting to get ticked off with him. Through out this whole thing he was telling me how much of an asshole he was and how no one believed him that he was an asshole. He kept telling me making it clear that he wanted me to know and by the end I was just like “oh, I get it, trust me”.

I was not impressed with how rude he was being to me, it was so unnecessary. He finally caught on that I didn’t find it as amusing as he seemed to and then he started to calm down. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into him and said but I am a nice guy too, and a sweet guy and he smirked and I refused to look at him. Then he pulled me close and started to softly kiss my cheek and neck. I waited a little but admittedly not long before I turned to face him and let him kiss me. We shared a couple of cute more gentle kisses before we started making out. He got somewhat feisty with me and I could tell he was getting pretty worked up. He wanted us to do it either out on the beach or in the car but I thought it would be better if we went back to his place. Mostly because of comfort then anything. Honestly my car was dirty from taking my dog out and the beach we were at was really rocky not sandy so I would rather be able to enjoy myself. He proceeded to tease me and say things like well you never know, we might drive all the way back to my house and I might just decide that I’m not in the mood anymore and just go to bed, how would you feel about that. I struggled not to roll my eyes because I knew too well how horny he was and I knew he wouldn’t do that.

When we got up to leave he decided to get a little frisky. He grabbed me and turned me around and pressed up behind me. Feeling me up and whispering naughty things in my ear. He grinded against me as he talked about taking me then and there. It was quite hot and my body tingles when he craves me like that.

As the night went on I realized a couple of things. One is that he enjoys being difficult. He likes to tease in a way that will get a response out of you. The second is that he is doing this emotional push pull thing with me. He feels us bonding and he gets freaked out so he pushes me away but once he feels like he has pushed me away successfully he is back to pulling me into him again. I know it is because trusting someone scares him and I don’t blame him for that. I know that I need to earn his trust and I have absolutely no problem with that and frankly I understand why he is doing this push pull thing. The only thing with me is that he needs to be kind to me consistently and if he is unkind to me often I will rethink this relationship. I don’t want to rush into anything too fast but I do want to work slowly with him towards something with potential.

We got in the car and he made a comment to me that really made me realize that I needed to talk to him about how I felt. He said that he thinks that I fall for people easily and that I shouldn’t get too invested in him because he pulls people into him but then pushed them away and he feels bad because he feels like he uses them. It was extremely obvious to me that he got it into his head that I was trying to force a relationship and that he was panicking and back peddling. Thing is I never did anything to suggest that. If anything he makes far more advancements on me then I ever do him. He’s the one who asked me for my number, texted me everyday since, made the first and every move on me, and had me spend the night even when I was prepared to leave. I think that he is just scared and so he was pushing me away to make himself feel safe.

I was a little upset with him at the time but at the same time I wasn’t in a position to effectively convey what I felt and thought so I kept my mouth shut. As we were driving back he tried to make it up to me by taking me out to eat but I wasn’t hungry and the place he wanted to take me almost always upsets my stomach so I declined. We are about to be at the house and he makes another wise crack about possibly deciding to call it a night and turn in so when we park I just give him this look like ok whatever dude, make up your mind. He decides that he wants to sit in the car and talk. So he keeps asking me questions. We end up talking about my life, my parents, a little bit about my childhood, and my relationship with my best friend Ralphie. I periodically feel like we are talking too much about me and so I try to ask him questions and get him to talk about himself but he keeps shooting it down. He said that he wasn’t in the mood to talk about himself and that talking about me was much more interesting. I talk because I knew that he was testing me and trying to figure me out and mostly because it helped give me time to sort out my feelings and think about what he had said earlier.

After about half an hour or so of this he goes ok well I am going to go inside, you have two options you can either go in with me or call it a night and head home its up to you I don’t care either way. I was literally 50/50 about which to do but I decided to go inside with him because I wanted to know what would happen. So after brief hesitation I say lets go and I start to get out of the car. He walks over to my side of the car and stands in front of me. I avoid eye contact and wait and he leans forward and I lean back keeping a small distance from our mouths. Then he smiles and says softly, you want this? At this point I couldn’t help but smile and I lean in and we kiss softly. He chuckles at me and continues to tease me about if I can be quiet enough while he kisses me.

We go inside and he hops into bed and lays there watching me undress. When I get under the covers he is completely naked and we sleep together. Afterwards we cuddle a little but then he falls asleep. I had a really hard time sleeping because my stomach was upset and I had had a red bull so I ended up tossing and turning most of the night. Anytime I get out of bed to go to the restroom I get ridiculously cold so one of the times I came back I was shivering pretty bad. He rolls over and pulls me into him and wraps around me, his face pressed against mine.

He was such a roller coaster that night. He was being an ass no doubt about it but he kept being sweet too. Then when he took care of me like that it was hard not to calm down and feel safe and happy in his arms. I love the way he tucks my face under his and how protected I feel in his embrace. Usually we sleep together 2-3 times and in addition to cuddling we kiss a fair amount but that night we didn’t have time for that which was unfortunate. It took me forever but eventually I fell asleep and we did cuddle a lot. I ended up waking up to him watching me sleep which was interesting. When I woke up we had to get ready and go because he had work but I got the impression he was bummed we couldn’t have our usual morning make out and sex. He watched me get dressed and when we leave the house I say goodbye and head out. His goodbye was off, again sounding a little bummed. It was cute.

The week goes on and he works two jobs and I had to stay at the house for my little sister because my mom was on a business trip but we text everyday. The morning that I left his place I waited to get my words in order and then I told him how I felt. I told him that I had no interest in rushing into anything too fast and that all I expected was for him to be kind to me and past that we will be what we will be. He appreciated that I told him the truth and after that we were fine. I knew he was just putting his defenses up but at the same time I was worried he was going to treat me different but he went back to normal.

Not only did he text me all day every day like he has been but he also got back into the grove of calling me. One day he called me once and yesterday he called me twice. Besides talking to Dem my week has been full of studying wicca and paganism. As well as doing my first interview for my documentary short series I am doing and my first job interview at a liquor store called high spirits. Being a videographer was awesome and even though I have only done one person so far I love it. Also I feel like my interview went smoothly. I am running really low on money so I really want to get a job soon. I have also had a number of phone calls with both Micki and Ralphie and I wrote a letter for my good friend Senpai.

My life has been full of getting to know Dem, studying a ton for my own growth, looking for jobs, and socializing. It has been great. Every moment even the down ones has been great because I have learned so very much and I know that I am about to learn so much more.

I am so blessed. I am so thankful. Life is good.

21.2.15: This is how I feel

We don’t have to push,
We don’t have to pull,
We don’t have to expect,
or label.

I am not asking you to do more then you are comfortable,
or to be anyone but yourself.
I know you are defensive, I know why, and I get it.

Trust is hard to give and easy to fade.
Trust is earned not freely given.
I intend to earn your trust, just as you must earn mine.

All I want is for us to be ourselves,
to do what comes natural to us,
and when we are able,
spend time together.

If we ever decide we want to become more then we are,
we will decide that at the right time,
and we will decide it together,
when we are both ready.

All I ask is for your kindness,
for this fragile heart has chosen to try to let you in,
and whether or not you realize it,
I am scared too.

We don’t have to be anything more then we are.
Just let us be.
And let us enjoy it.

This is how I feel.

20.2.15 Today

Today is the first day my internet has worked in the last couple of days, because of that I have been out and about even more then usual. I have a tendency to get engrossed in my many projects and work and I spend too much time working on the computer but with the internet down I was motivated to do other things and it was awesome.

I spent today coming home and resting after being out with Dem the night before, running errands for mom picking up pens, food, and clay for my litter sister. Ate. Took a nap, then went out with my friends to go see Kingsmen Secret service. The movie was awesome though way more intense then I thought it would be. It was fun to go see though. Afterwards I ended up sitting in the car talking to my friend Kiki about spirituality and my current readings on the subject. I am writing a book about my perspective on life and spiritual beliefs because I think its time that I be open with how I view things since its so fundamental to who I am. I have only told 4 people so far about my fundamental belief system and Kiki became the 5th and so far its been going well but every person responds the same way. They look at me in awe and say something to the effect of “you just blew my mind”. Its pretty funny actually. It is scary for me in some ways because I stayed quiet about it for so long but it feels good to voice it and have people open their mind to possibilities.

Dem has been texting me as usual. We text everyday since he got my number and I spent yesterday night with him. I will write a entry about that later.

My spirituality and the study of it as well as healing has proven to be essential to my happiness. I am spending every day getting use to opening up and embracing who I am and who I meant to be. I am coming to accept it and be less afraid of it everyday and it is a feeling that is so fulfilling it makes my heart flutter and a smile creep onto my face.

I have spent too long in life being ashamed of who I was deep down, and feeling fear from that person showing itself. I am done feeling that way. It is still there, I am still on the journey of self growth and acceptance but I am so much further then I was and I am proud of myself for it. I am happy. I will probably write another entry about it in detail. For it is a key part of my everyday life. For now though I am getting tired and I will have to write tomorrow.

13.2.15 : Night with Dem

Yesterday, the 12th, I woke up to a call from the doctor informing me about how I was infected like I mentioned in the previous post. After I calmed down I watched Harry Potter to make myself feel better as well as worked on some writing. Dem called me to check on me and he offered for us to hang out that evening when he got off work to which I agreed. I like being with him and so I will admit even in the bad news I was a little excited.

A couple of hours later the guy who infected me called. Marquis. And while I wasn’t god awful to him I was really short with him. I just said, I went to the doctors the other day, they informed me that I got x, so since you were one of the only guys I have slept with recently you need to get checked and then depending on what they say inform any one else you have been with. When I first said I got x, he was shocked, but I repeated myself firmly told him what to do then went silent. He just said ok really awkwardly, and I was like ok well I guess thats it, he paused and was like ok well I’ll talk to you later. I said bye and hung up. Bitch got me sick and couldn’t even ask me if I was ok or how I felt or anything. I know he was in shock but still. I caught the damn thing from him the least he could do was say something. Uhg. Thank my lucky stars its so easily curable but man I can only imagine if I hadn’t been so lucky and gone to the doctor so soon after being with him. If it remained long term it can cause infertility in woman. That fucker.

Anyways! I little while after that Micki gets a hold of me, turns out he wanted my help in making his boyfriend a valentines day video. So after I went to the store and picked up my antibiotic I went out to go write, found out micki wanted my help, had to drive all the way back to my town, pick up my computer and all the way back out to him. Just to have us walk to a bar so that he could eat then me sit and watch him thumb through files because he wasn’t actually ready for me to do any work. I had a great time and I love that boy all the same but I did all that driving for no reason which I can’t help but roll my eyes about. Not to mention I came over to work but he didn’t have anything prepared. He has a habit of that.

I had fun but I also was looking forward to seeing Dem and so when Micki kept lolligagging I just set a time that I was going to go and was assertive about leaving when that time came because if I’m not he will just keep thinking of stuff for us to do that will keep me there.

Dem and Micki live real close to each other so I just drove down the street. When I got there Dem had already been drinking beer and watching Firefly. Firefly is my all time favorite show. We got comfortable on his couch and ended up teasing each other about the show. We talked and laughed a lot and soon we ended up flirty bickering. Shortly after joking about which character belonged with whom and all that goofy stuff he wrapped his arm around me and we started to cuddle. I could tell that he wanted to kiss me but I waited a little and shortly after one of his roommates came down stairs so we talked to him for a little.

After the roommate left we went back to cuddling and it didn’t take long for us to start kissing. We made out for a while. He pushes and pulls on me, running his hands through my hair and eventually he pushes me down and gets on top of me. I soon find out that he was in a feisty mood that night and so he starts teasing me trying to get me to say embarrassing stuff. At one point as he has me pinned down he asks me if I want to keep watching the show or if I want him to keep kissing me the way he was. I get embarrassed really easily and I am actually pretty reserved when it comes to saying how I feel or what I want in that way so I gave my usual non answer to which he picks up on and he is like nnoooo.. you give me a yes or no.

I like the way he looks at me when he’s turned on and the intonation he uses. Its all hot and it makes me blush. I like the way he treats me every moment that I am with him. Sometimes he says something awkward but he is always so sweet to me when we are just hanging out and he is always so cute, hot, and attentive when we are being physical. He continued to tease me the whole time we were fooling around, getting more and more feisty as we went. He wanted me to say things to him like admit how much I wanted him and ask for more and stuff like that. I admitted that I am really bad at that but he really wanted me to and so we compromised.

Normally I don’t feel comfortable enough with someone to try at such things. I am a person who takes a long time to develop trust and equally long if not longer to feel comfortable doing or saying embarrassing things. So for me to try to compromise with him took a lot of nerve for me. But he is such a good person and such a gentle heart that he is the first person besides my best friend who makes me feel safe enough that its worth the try.

There was so many moments even just in foreplay that were really hot. The way he grabbed me felt so good and at one point he me going so much that I was shaking to which he got far too much enjoyment out of. We went upstairs and undressed each other as we made out. We had plenty of foreplay and he really likes going down on me which I certainly can not complain.

I do have to tell him to be gentle a number of times because my body is sensitive and when he gets worked up he gets a tiny bit rough but I really like the way he touches me so its no biggy. After we had sex we just cuddled and talked a little then fell asleep.

There is a couple of things that are unique about being with him that I have noticed so far. Things that make me feel both excited and nervous. One is that I feel comfortable with him. I feel like I can have as deep of conversation as I like with him and not feel like I am bothering him or saying anything that goes over his head. Another is that he gets me when it comes to my need to help people which is uncommon. Another is he makes me want to open up to him and he makes me feel safe in doing so which is extremely rare in my life. Yet another is that I went to sleep naked with him which is something I rarely ever feel comfortable doing.

The last is the most significant for me. Which is that when I am with him I sleep through the night. This might sound like a weird thing to find significant but if you knew me you would understand. I rarely ever feel safe around people. I love them, even believe in them, but there is one thing that I never believe, which is that, should something bad happen, they will be there for me. This lack of belief makes me never feel completely safe.

This tends to manifest in my sleeping patterns. When I am alone I feel the most safe when I am sleeping but even then there is still the tiniest bit of paranoia or extra awareness. Like no one has my back but me. When I am with others not only do I have to worry about my own safety but I have to worry about the safety of them too, and in an environment I might now know very well too. Its not thoughts but it manifests as a restless feeling that flutters deep inside me. On a good night when I am alone I wake up anywhere from 2-4 times a night, bad night I wake up 4-8 times. When I am with people its impressive if I actually sleep deep at all and usually it never exceeds 2-3 hours unless I have known the person for a long time and trust them a lot. Usually when I am with someone else I stir and sleep incredibly lightly to the point where its hard to judge if I actually slept at all. Even in the company of Maemae I only sleep as well as I would if I was alone and not better.

The only person in my life who has ever made me feel safe is Ralphie. He is also the only one who  has effected the way I sleep in a positive way. When I am in the company of Ralphie I sleep through the night. It is so rare and so powerful that it makes a significant impact on me and means so much to me. He was the only person to have that effect on me, until Dem. For some reason, when I am with Dem I sleep through the night. I feel completely safe. I never feel that way. That matters to me, more then I can express or understand. It is, significant.

I sleep through the night when I am with Dem and when I wake up I wake up to him wrapping his arms around me and kissing me sweetly, running his hands all over my body. We usually make out and hold hands and end up having sex in the morning as well. We have only been together twice but while we were on the couch making out he said that we seem to be making a habit of this and I said that I didn’t mind and I asked him if he did and he clearly didn’t.

I don’t want to jump into anything too quickly or get too ahead of myself. But I will admit, I don’t feel motivated to be involved with anyone but him. I don’t want to get hurt by him but I know that he would never hurt me intentionally. We just have to take it slow and test the waters. If I find out he doesn’t want anything serious with me then I will try to keep myself detached and see other people but if he feels the way that I am leaning towards, which is take things slow but still see how things go with us, then I want to work at letting someone in and not being involved with anyone else.

He makes me happy and he makes me feel safe. He has talked to me everyday since he has got my phone number even valentines day and almost every one of those days we talk to each other until we go to bed and pick up the conversation when we are both up. I can’t help but want to see him again.

12.2.15 : Shit happens but at least I have friends.

This morning I woke up to some shit news. The doctor called and told me that I caught something from a sexual partner. I will not go into detail or say what it was but I was pretty upset. I am very lucky though, it is easily curable and has no symptoms unless you are infected for a long time.  All I have to do is take an antibiotic and I will be fine but the whole thing is still upsetting and frankly idiotic.

Thing is I have only slept with two guys recently. Three is you count a guy from a month ago but he specifically made sure that he was clean and so I am pretty confident it wasn’t him. Then the guy I was with the most recently is not sexually active and I have a lot of confidence in him. The guy previous to him however has made it his current mission in life to sleep with as many girls as possible and he insists on not using protection.

I was an idiot for letting anything happen between us. I know he barely cares about me if at all and I also know that he will sleep with anyone so long as he thinks he can get away with it. I just have into lust and past bond and it was dumb and now I am paying for it.

As soon as I found out I got a hold of the sweet guy, Dem. He and I are friends. He has talked to me all day everyday since the day he got my number and has been just as sweet to me after we hooked up as he was before which is quite impressive. He’s even called me a couple of times when he has had free time. I am really glad he came into my life and I sincerely appreciate how much of a kind heart he is and how good he is to me. So as you can imagine when I found out that I had to tell him that I might have exposed him to something I was extremely upset.

I take the care of my friends extremely seriously and I would never consciously choose to put them in jeopardy. Had I known I would never have risked it. I called him and ended up crying but he assured me that he wasn’t upset nor did he judge me for it. He took it really well and was really sweet to me about it. He even offered to hang out with me tonight when he gets off work. I felt so bad for having him be affected by it that I was impressed at how mature he was about it and how nice he was to me about it.

Unfortunately I still have to have the conversation with the person who gave it to me, which is going to blow. Our friendship is on the rocks as it is because of all his stupid shit and how many times I have had to suffer the consequences of the things he does and now I get to call him up and tell him that he infected me with something and to not only get tested but to inform all his other partners as well. I know for a fact that he sleeps around a lot and the majority of the time I insist my partner wears protection and even in the rare situation where we don’t they always pull out and such. Just because I am capable of having casual sex doesn’t mean that I don’t take my relationships, and those peoples health and well being seriously. I honestly never thought anything like this would happen to me. But I guess no one ever does.

I am just so thankful for the great friends that I have and the fact that it wasn’t worse. I am also thankful for how sweet Dem is. He makes me feel better. I am not falling for him but I do feel a bond to him. I don’t think I will fall for him, him and I are in a pretty similar place in life and we are honest with each other and have a good understanding so I should be fine. I am just getting increasingly fond of him.

All of this I keep to myself and only talk to a couple of friends about though. I don’t talk to my family about such matters. My mom keeps asking me and I don’t like it. I know she is trying to be a good mother and I do love my mom but its just not her business. She would never understand me when it comes to this and frankly I have no interest in being judged. I am very comfortable with her not being an observer of that aspect of my life. The most I will do is if I get a boyfriend I will inform her that I am in a relationship but thats all. If him and I stay together a while I will introduce him to the family but past that, nope.

My love life is my business and the only other people that need to know anything are people I trust to confide in. Right now I am just so thankful for my friends.

8.2.15 : Today

Today was a lovely day. I slept in because I ended up staying up till 4am the day before then I got up, took a shower and started hanging out with my friend Kiki. Her and I met through Jade and she was at the bonfire with me the night before. We sat and talked about life and anime at my house for a little bit then picked up a sandwich at central and sat and talked about psychology and body language as well as the boys.

Afterwards we went downtown and walked around the boardwalk and met up with Jade who ended up inviting Doc, the guy I have had an on and off kiddy crush on, and so the four of us walked around the boardwalk and got coffees. It was really nice and pleasant. I always get a tiny bit awkward around doc, for obvious reasons, and I have a hard time gaging if what I am perceiving it just me or if its there. He is an extremely shy guy and pretty quite but so sweet and gentle. I still catch him watching me from time to time and he will laugh at little things I say or do. When our eyes meet I always get flustered and look away and today we both did that twice. Then when he had to go Kiki and I walked him part of the way back to his place and when we split up our goodbye was really awkward because I felt like I wanted to hug him and I did that weird almost penguin arm thing and I felt the tension but then we just missed the moment and said goodbye and split up.

As we were walking away I asked Kiki if it was just me or if we did have the moment I felt like we did and she was like yeah no totally I saw it. Strange because Doc and I have never hugged before and I don’t see him hug anyone now that I think about it. I think he has seen me hug Jade once or twice but even then its not like a common thing among that group so when I felt the want to hug him I thought it might have just been me.

Every time I think about not having that tiny bit of extra feelings for Doc I end up hanging out with him again shortly after and they come right back. Its so strange. I really want to get to know him but I am too nervous to try to hang out with him alone just yet.

Well anyways, Kiki and I walk back to Jade and then end up deciding to split up because I was suppose to go grocery shopping but when we got to my house my parents were being flacky so then I ended up just writing stuff on the list and going back out with Kiki again. We got pasta at dominos and then picked up beer at a gas station and proceeded to go hang out and drink Shocktop in the parking lot of the theater before the movie. Sounds lame but it was actually really fun and kind of awesome. Our friend Mike came and joined us and then Jade met back up with us shortly after.

We went to go see Jupiter Ascending and it was so cheesy. It was beautiful no doubt about it but man was it cheesy. I feel like almost anything with Channing Tatum is going to be cheesy though. He is a hot man don’t get me wrong but I have a hard time taking him too seriously. I always think of him as that street boy type from the step up movie or like coach carter and so when he plays this badass role I just end up chuckling to myself. He’s such a classic white boy its endearing. All in all it was a great day. The whole time Dem was texting me too. I like how much he talks to me. Makes me feel loved. He is such a kind soul I am happy he came into my life. I hope we can keep becoming good friends.